why i will never be a neurosurgeon, or psychiatrist, or...

you have been warned. this will not be pretty, as i find myself more things to rant about in this blog than to cheer for.

so. here i am in the middle of med school and not knowing what to do with my life.
seriously.
when all of my friends are excitedly planning about which hospital they want to co-ass in, because this hospital is (allegedly) more high-pressure, because that hospital (allegedly) teaches you good skills more and so on, i am just interested in which hospital is the most laid-back, therefore makes my top choices to co-ass in.

i just don't see the point in honing my clinical skills much more since i don't, and never had, plan to be a practicing physician.
really, i could assure you that overall, i don't have decent math skills. if you really knew me, you would never trust me to count how much medicine you'd have to take for your life-threatening disease.

this world would surely be a better place without having me as a, say, neurosurgeon. based on the C i got in neurology, i'm pretty sure my lecturers agree with me. (for those of you questioning my intellectual capacities of being in med school in the first place, i can assure you that a C is the worst grade i ever got, in ANYTHING. except that D i got in seventh grade on Sundanese language. but whatever.)

the thing is, i don't know what i'm good at.
i'm not able to decide whether i would be good as an internist, or gynecologist, or whatever. and since something you are good at is called your 'talent', then i don't know what my talent is.

i may have posted something like this before but whatever.

and so you ask, well if you can't figure out what specialization of doctors you would be good at, why not be a general practicioner?
well, judging as how i would not be able to correctly measure out your medicine, i am sure the whole practicing thing is out for me.

at one point, i thought being a surgeon would be neat. except a neurosurgeon, of course, because of that C i got. but then i thought about having to go out of the super cool operating room and meet the patient's family and friends and say, "i did this and that but i'm sorry to say that he/she passed away." and watch all of them cry in front of me.

i think i would stab myself in the eye with my scalpel.

so, i decided many more people are more emotionally capable of being a surgeon than i am. and that the reason why i ever thought being a surgeon was neat is because i watch too many medical dramas on TV.

at another point, i thought being a psychiatrist would also be neat. this is because i love reading (and watching) about all those supposedly rare psychological cases that cause people to do crazy things. but then i think of the calm and empathy i have to project towards my patients, even when they may be cheating husbands who killed their kids or something like that, being a psychiatrist suddenly doesn't sound so neat.

so really i do still prefer to be a forensic medical doctor, who's job is to mainly find out how people die. dead people are much more tolerant to whatever mistake you might do to their body, for example living people would very much object to you lifting out their lungs to measure it whereas dead people would not sue you for it.

i can't see why people reject autopsies because they feel it is disrespectful to the dead. i mean, they're dead. they have no more petty problems like having killers roam the streets we live on. and by having autopsies on them we can possibly find those killers, if they happen to be killed by the killers, and put them behind bars where they belong so little kids can happily play safely outside their house.

anyways.
yeah, about the forensic thing. still my dream.
don't know if i'll be good in that either but at least it's better than the previous choices i wrote. plus i read a lot of crime and mystery books and i love them, so that should account for something.

ah, what a turning revelation in my planning for future careers.
this post has earned a new label: med school mellows.